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Dating Red Flags Checklist

Use this checklist to identify possible red flags in a prospective relationship

Your Name ___________________ Name of potential partner _______________ Date _____

I. Projecting the Future:

1. _____ Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are?
2. _____ Would I want this person to raise my child?
3. _____ Would I want my child to be exactly like this person?

II. Are You Talking Yourself Into a Relationship?

4. _____ Do I want to rescue or “help” them because I see their potential?
5. _____ I love the way they look or their status and it builds my self-esteem to be with them.
6. _____ We have some things in common and so I’m avoiding looking at glaring differences.
7. _____ They appear to be totally different than people I’ve been with in the past.
8. _____ I’m focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun, humor, etc) and ignoring unmet requirements.

III. Danger Signs

9. _____ Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, blame
10. _____ Blames others or circumstances for life situation
11. _____ Tries to control everything, including me
12. _____ Immature, impulsive, and/or irresponsible
13. _____ Emotionally distant or void, aloof
14. _____ Still pining for a past relationship
15. _____ Wants me to make their sad life better
16. _____ Married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me
17. _____ Active addiction, addictive behavior (rationalized as “not a problem”) ©2007 by

IV. Other Common Red Flags

18. _____ Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me
19. _____ Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.
20. _____ Judgmental attitude toward themselves & others
21. _____ Unwilling to self-examine, accept feedback, take responsibility
22. _____ Doesn’t keep agreements
23. _____ What they say about themself doesn’t match reality
24. _____ Emotional roller coaster, recurring or regular emotional drama
25._____ This isn’t what I really want, but I don’t want to be alone
26. _____ Changeable, inconsistent behavior
27. _____ Inability to listen
28. _____ I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want, instead of accepting them for who they are
29. _____ Talks too much (especially about self), monopolizes conversation
30. _____ Overly quiet, withdrawn

Results
A. Total checked items from Section II, III, and IV _______
B. Circle the checked items that need close attention, decision-making, or require more information.
C. On a scale from 0 (Not at all) to 100 (Perfect fit) my minimum score for considering any relationship is _______
D. Using the above scale I score this potential relationship _______
E. Based upon the above results, I… should / shouldn’t (circle one) proceed dating this potential partner.

Note: If it’s clear you should not proceed dating this potential partner and you have any difficulty moving on, we strongly suggest showing this checklist to your best friend, close family member, therapist or coach and get the support you need to be The Chooser.

Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved

courtesy ValBaldwin.com

GET OVER A GRUDGE BEFORE IT TAKES OVER YOU

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Holding a grudge is a self destructive behavior. It can truly ruin your life! The only one who gets punished by it is you, not the person who has caused you the pain. Not only do you feel emotionally hurt, but if you don’t deal with your grudge, you can also get physical problems. It causes anger, anxiety, depression, paranoia, insomnia and even physical pain.

Being a brand New Year, it’s the perfect time to create a brand new YOU. Follow these steps to finally forgive and let go.

Step 1
Recognize that you have a problem. You have to recognize the fact that you hold a grudge and that you are the only one getting punished by it. When you are ready to admit that this is indeed a problem, you are ready to deal with it.

Step 2
Don’t wait for an apology. If you wait until someone apologizes before you forgive them, you’re placing control of how you feel in their hands. Sometimes the offender isn’t even aware that they hurt you, or they’re incapable of caring. The simple words “I’m sorry” can be healing, but so is deciding that you no longer need to hear those words. Be the bigger person and put the incident behind you.

Step 3
Forgive. Forgiving someone doesn’t exempt them from their actions. It doesn’t change the facts. If you have been legitimately wronged, then forgiving doesn’t mean you have to forget. It does mean that you acknowledge that the person is human and that we all make mistakes. Try to see the disagreement from the other person’s point of view and why they behaved the way they did. Was it their upbringing? Were they under stress that day? Are they jealous of you? This will help you empathize with them, making it easier to let go of blame.

If you’re not quite ready to forgive yet, start by saying that you are willing to forgive. That’s a powerful step in the right direction.

Step 4
Shift your focus. Look at the good things about the person. Find the positive in the situation. Maybe you learned a lesson and discovered something new about yourself. For instance maybe you’ve learned to never treat your children the way your unloving father treated you. Changing your viewpoint will help you release resentment.

Step 5
Don’t feed the monster. Once you’ve voiced your resentment and committed to moving on, don’t continually talk about the offense. If you find yourself thinking about it, mentally change the subject. If someone brings it up, explain that it’s in the past and you don’t want to dwell on it.
When you forgive and let go of a grudge, you’re not giving up on justice. It’s about letting go of your own suffering. Confucius said it brilliantly, “If you devote your life to seeking revenge, first dig two graves”.

KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE IN TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

How is your relationship doing during these difficult economic times? It is perfectly normal to be concerned, scared, and even terrified to lose your job, home, retirement fund, etc. But the one thing you also don’t want to lose is your partner. Times like these require emotional resilience and strong coping skills to keep the love alive in your marriage. Here are some recommendations to maintain a healthy, strong, partnership.

* Let your spouse know how you’re doing. If you’re feeling especially irritable and worried, you are more likely to get angry, so give them a heads-up so that they don’t take it as personally if you do. If you do get angry, sincerely apologize and let them know that it wasn’t their fault.

* Recognize your annoyance with your spouse may stem from your anxiety and stress, rather than their behavior. So if you feel yourself getting annoyed, give yourself a time-out and remove yourself from the room to cool down before you say something that creates a conflict or hurts feelings.

* It is important for you both to work together on solutions. You are likely to feel resentment if you feel you are carrying the burden alone. Uncover positive actions by writing the problem as a question on a piece of paper and together brainstorm solutions. For example, the question could be, “How can we cut costs from our monthly expenses?” or “How can we create more income to have what we need and desire?” or “What ways can we still have fun and enjoy the simple, inexpensive things in life”. Taking action together feels more empowering than lack of action and creates stronger unity, even if the results are not immediate.

* Avoid worrying and focusing only on the problem. What you focus on is what you will intensify in your life so focus on the positive solutions and the good things in your life. Start a ritual that every night before you go to bed, tell each other what 3 things you are grateful for along with saying “I love you”. This will bring you closer and reduce your fear because research proves that your sub-conscious mind can’t process gratitude and fear at the same time.

* Stay involved in activities that make you happy. It may be tempting to shut down and retreat in the face of financial worries, however, staying involved in what makes you both happy, whether these are activities you do alone or together, is not only better for your mood, it also helps you to think more clearly and be a better partner to your spouse.

© Copyright Val Baldwin. All rights reserved. The information contained in this article may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority.

Secrets For Communicating With Men

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Men and women are just wired different and that’s a fact. But this difference can lead to confusion and frustration for both genders. If you can understand the differences then you can learn to accept and respect those differences and learn how to bridge the gender gap. One big difference is in how men and women communicate. Here are three great secrets for communicating with men from Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D., author of Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know.

First you must understand these basic gender differences:

Men communicate to report – it’s all about negotiation, reporting, stating facts or finding solutions.

Women communicate for rapport – it’s all about cooperation, connections, expressing feelings and showing support.

Communication Secret #1 MEN COMMUNICATE BEST WHEN THEY HAVE A FOCUS FOR THE CONVERSATION

What women do: we are very vague in our request for communication. We say “let’s have a talk”, or “honey, I think we should discuss our relationship.”

How men react:

* Your partner may act uninterested or resistant in having the conversation and keep putting you off.
* He may try to start an argument just to avoid having to have “the talk”.

The solution:

1. When you want to have a discussion with a man, give him an agenda. Tell him exactly what you’d like to talk about, what you hope to accomplish and what you expect from him. Say “Hey John, I would love to take some time after dinner tonight to brainstorm some ideas on how to help our son improve his grades in math. Will that work for you?”
2. Ask him questions.
• Wrong way: How’s work?
Your partner will give you the briefest possible answer, such as, “Fine.”
• Right way: Honey, how are you doing with that new project at work? Is it as tough as you thought it would be?
3. Don’t use hinting as a way to say what you want – be direct. He is NOT a mind-reader.

Communication Secret #2 MEN INTERNALIZE THEIR THINKING PROCESS AND COMMUNICATE THE END RESULT

* Men are solution oriented. Women are process oriented.

What women do:

* We think out loud
* Women want to vent and talk about it. 96% of all women when they feel stress will go and talk to another woman to get the feedback they want.
* What women do wrong is talk out loud about their problems without letting the man know we feel hopeful about finding a solution

How men react:

* Women talk too much and don’t get to the point!
* They accuse women of whining and complaining a lot
* Men become impatient, assuming she’s going on and on because she can’t find a solution.
* He ends up feeling responsible for fixing things for her.
* He tries to rush her to the solution of her problems.

The solution:

1. Discuss this secret with your man. Explain your way of thinking and talking to him and let him know you understand his way too.
2. Tell your man up front that you just need to vent, that you’re not expecting him or even wanting him to solve the problem. You just need to vent and have him be the listening ear. Be direct and say “hey honey, I don’t want you to solve this but I need to vent and I just need for you to listen to me.” Or say “I have a problem I would really like your input on to help me solve. Is now a good time?”

Communication Secret #3 MEN DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR EMOTIONS AS EASILY AS WOMEN DO.

* To most men, the world of emotions is a strange and frightening place and makes most men feel out of control because it’s unfamiliar.
* Most men have been conditioned to stay in their heads, not in their hearts.
* Remember: human beings feel comfortable with what they are most familiar with.

What women do:

1. We blame them for what we see as being insensitive.
2. We expect men to be able to get in touch with their feelings as quickly as we can.
3. We assume that intellectually articulate men will be emotionally articulate…..not necessarily so!

How men react:

* Rebellious and uncooperative when it comes to having conversations.
* Angry at you and prone to attacking you as being too emotional.
* Sometimes a man isn’t sure of what he’s feeling and if you are pressuring him to talk to you, he will change the subject or verbally attack you hoping to buy time to figure out what’s going on inside him.

The solution:

1. Don’t overwhelm you man with your emotions by pouring them out all at once and expecting him to respond. Slow down – take your time – be clear about what you want to say.
2. Sometimes when you partner is silent, he’s not ignoring you – his mind is processing the information you gave him and he’s trying to get in touch with his feelings.
3. Try physically touching your partner, holding hands, resting your hand on his arm or hugging him as a way to help him get out of his head and into his heart.

You now have the understanding and the tools you need to really start communicating with your man on a higher level. Good luck ladies!

How Much Independence Keeps a Relationship Healthy?

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

When it comes to independence in relationships, this subject can be a big cause of conflict for many couples. To meet both partners needs can sometimes be a very tricky thing. Feelings get hurt, individuals feel guilty, and it can be hard for partners to understand what their other half is feeling and needing in regards to time together and time apart. If you understand and keep these following concepts in mind, it won’t have to become a battlefield for you and your sweetie to create the right amount of independence for both of you.

Ask Yourself: Where You Are On The 24/7 vs Independent Scale?
24/7
Independent

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

The two extremes:

24/7 people: When a 24/7 person is in a relationship, they love to spend all their time with their partner. They can’t imagine wanting to spend time with anyone else and have a hard time understanding if their partner wants to spend time away from them. They are committed and devoted to their partner completely and truly love being with them. The more time together the better for these people.

Independent people: These kinds of people usually have lots of friends, interests and hobbies. They love to be with their partner but absolutely need to have their space and the freedom to be with other friends and other interests. It’s not that they love their partner any less than a 24/7 person. They just need more space in their relationships or they will feel claustrophobic.

The biggest conflict and challenge comes from couples that are at opposite ends of the scale. These couples are trying to have their own needs met and have a hard time understanding how their partner could feel so differently than them.

Some Independent Time is Healthy and Revitalizing For All Relationships.
No matter where you are on the scale, some time apart adds freshness and excitement in a relationship. This creates new and interesting topics for you to share with each other at the end of the day. It’s also important to keep strong bonds with your own friends and continue in the pursuit of your own talents and interests. To create a stronger couple together you should always continue to grow and improve yourself independently as well.

The Solution: Create a Balance for You Both

Follow these 4 steps:

1. Schedule a meeting time to discuss this subject openly and honestly with your partner.
2. Where are you on the 24/7 vs Independent scale? Remember there is no right or wrong on this scale. It’s a matter of creating a win-win relationship for both of you. Share with your partner where you believe you fall on the scale. If you are extremely 24/7 then rate yourself a 1-3. If you are extremely Independent, then somewhere between 7-10 would be your range. Many people fall right in the middle which would be in the 4-6 range.
3. Come prepared to share your vision of an “ideal week” with your partner. Tell each other how much time you would ideally spend together and how much time apart. Articulate how often you prefer to be e-mailing or calling during the day or during a week. Do you ever feel claustrophobic with being with your partner too much or feel neglected that you partner doesn’t spend enough time with you? Express your wishes and desires of how you would like it to be. Your feelings should be delivered in a loving and honest way, not in a critical and complaining way.
4. Now that you are clear on each other’s needs, create a happy compromise for you both. Be conscious of your partners needs and take action to meet those needs. Discuss what you can live with and what you can’t. Create an “ideal week” that works for both of you. If you don’t have a clear vision of what you want….how will you know how to achieve it or when you’ve gotten there?

If you are more independent than your partner: Consciously keep in mind when you’ve been unavailable a lot. You need to take action to reconnect and give them the time they need from you. If you’re out of town and your partner requests you call home every day to connect….then do it happily! Or suggest something like “hey sweetie, I know I’ve been really busy the last few days….how about I take you to dinner tomorrow night to catch up and be together? I miss you”.

If you are more 24/7 than your partner: Remember that their independence doesn’t mean they care any less about you. Being independent is part of who they are and they would react the same to whomever they were with. If your partner really loves their every Thursday night painting class or weekly golfing foursome, then don’t give them grief and go pursue something that makes you happy too.

The bottom line is you don’t have to be exactly the same on the 24/7 – Independent scale to have a happy workable relationship. One extreme is not better than the other. The key is to be clear about your own needs and where you are on the scale. Be understanding of your partners needs and be willing to create a win-win for both of you to feel loved, healthy and balanced.