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WHAT GUYS REALLY WANT

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

What do guys really want? This is the question most women ask themselves from time to time in any relationship. After interviewing and working with a wide variety of men and couples, it became very clear that men have some deeper wants and needs that they don’t always share with their female counterparts. So in the interest of greater relationships everywhere, listen up ladies. Here’s a list of what guys really want from the women in their lives.

1. Your man wants you to tell him what you want. Of course, sharing what you really want with them doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it. But it sure increases the odds. Plus it eliminates the need for them to make dubious assumptions, make crazy guesses or try to read your mind. For starters men want you to tell them how and when you prefer to be touched, how you want to be comforted when you’re feeling low and what you really want on your birthday. Share what you want as a request, not a demand, and it will be happily received.

2. When your man is grumpy, sullen or withdrawn, he wants you to understand that it’s probably not about you. Guys have their ups and downs just like women do. Often they’re not even conscious of what’s going on. They just know something’s not quite right, and they tend to pull back. From your perspective, it may be easy to think they are mad at you or dissatisfied with the relationship, when frequently it’s just that they’re not at peace with themselves, which brings us to . . .

3. Men sometimes want time alone. Don’t take their desire for solitude personally. Occasionally they just want some down time to “be,” to consider their own wants and needs, to reconnect with who they really are, and not get you mixed up in it, so they can come back and offer you the best of who they are.

4. Just listen when they dream out loud. Sometimes guys like to share their dreams out loud. When they do they are not asking for your approval, feedback, opinion on how realistic they are or strategies for achieving them. They’re merely having fun envisioning future possibilities that they may or may not intend to actually have happen.

5. If you’re mad about something, put it out straight. If your guy does something and you react with anger, they would appreciate it if you’d share your displeasure then and there. It might not be very pleasant, but it’s a heck of a lot better for them than being blindsided by pent up resentment that leaks out days or months after the original event occurred.

6. Be gentle with your language. Frequently teasing, clever banter and wisecracks directed towards your man or toward the male sex in general are actually thinly disguised criticism and disapproval. This kind of behavior tears at the fabric of their connection, and when they on the receiving end, it hurts more than they’re typically willing to let on.

7. They like to be acknowledged. Let your guy know when they’ve done something for which you are grateful. A simple, sincere “thank you” can foster a stronger connection between you as well as increase their desire to keep doing that appreciated action or way of being.

8. Men want you to love them as they are. Guys are not here to live up to your expectations. They’re not projects or fixer-uppers. They are what they are. Having said that . . .

9. They want you to help them remember who they are when they forget. As members of the human race, men sometimes forget who they really are and what they’re doing here. At times like these they yearn for you to nudge them in the right direction. They may resist at first, but when you compassionately remind them of their strengths, their personal power and the gifts they have to offer the world, they’ll ultimately be deeply grateful for your love and support.

10. Fully commit to the relationship. I know ladies….you’re surprised at this one. Men are supposed to be the ones with commitment issues. But when a man is assured that you’re in all the way, the space is opened for him to join you. And when that happens, there’s no more looking around for someone better, no more “should I stay or should I go,” no more exit strategies. You’re both on firm ground and can relax and enjoy it.

When all is said and done, men are just guys . . . with hearts and minds and spirits like ours. Wanting to connect, wanting to love and be loved, wanting to express their tenderness toward you . . . but sometimes just aren’t quite sure how.

ARE YOU QUICK TO ANGER? HERE’S HELP

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Do you, or someone close to you, have problems keeping anger under control? Do the smallest things set you off? If you’re experiencing a lot of rage, then you need to first get to the root of your anger so you can stop this destructive behavior long term.

Anger is caused by fear. What happens to us humans when we feel fear is our heart rate goes up, adrenaline is released and we go into fight or flight mode. People with anger issues respond by going directly into fight mode. But fight or flight modes are rarely good choices. To resolve your anger issues, you have to first understand where you anger is coming from and then finding a constructive way to deal with your frustration and fear.

Here are 5 steps to get control of your anger and take your life back in a positive way.

1. Identify the emotion your anger covers. Anger is nothing more than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear – or all 3. Try talking about what you’re really feeling without using the word “anger.” Instead, try saying:

“I am really hurt by what my sister said to me.”

“The decision to not give me that new project at work really frustrates me!”

“I’m afraid that my boyfriend not calling me back means he’s loosing interest.”

2. Identify the true source. What is the real source of your anger? Who is the real culprit? Chances are, it’s not the people or situations you are lashing out at. People are rarely upset for the reason they think.

Maybe you are disappointed in yourself for where you are in your career so your boss or coworkers easily anger you.

Ask yourself bottom line….what am I really angry at?

3. Identify the unfulfilled need. If you are experiencing uncontrollable rage, you have unfulfilled needs that must be addressed. Ask yourself “what needs are not being met?”

Maybe you feel anger because you don’t feel valued at work like you need to.

Maybe you feel anger because you aren’t feeling respected like you need to by your family members.

Maybe you feel anger because you can’t forgive yourself for the way you’ve behaved while angry.

Whatever the case, you need to know what your needs are before you can fill them in a constructive way.

4. Identify the constructive alternative action. Instead of raging against people, figure out what you can do that is constructive. Don’t just storm around for days or weeks seething in your anger. Decide on what you can do to resolve it in a constructive manner.

If you need to resolve an issue with a person that you are really angry with, the constructive alternative behavior would be to have a mature, open and respectful discussion with that person to resolve it.

If you need to forgive yourself or someone else, the constructive action would be to forgive.

5. Take specific action. Once you have identified your constructive alternative action, then it’s time to TAKE ACTION and do it. As uncomfortable as it may be for you, you must take action so you can then move on, and reclaim your life.

One final great tip when you find yourself in the middle of lashing out is to insert gratitude. Your brain cannot process gratitude and anger at the same time. So when you find yourself starting to lash out at someone, immediately think of just one thing you are grateful for. Just one thing. It’s even more effective if your gratitude is pointed towards the person you are angry at.

For instance if you find yourself going nuts at your spouse, you could immediately think to yourself “I am grateful that this man gave me my 2 beautiful children.” This will give you some distance and a few moments to calm down, collect your thoughts and think of a more constructive way to handle your anger.

Follow these 5 steps and you CAN get your anger under control. It takes constant practice and patience but the benefits will be priceless for you AND everyone in your life. Good luck!

THE UNIVERSAL LOVE LAWS

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Most people set new goals for themselves at the beginning of each year but most overlook doing so with their relationships. It’s never too late to schedule a positive private time with your special someone. The purpose is to review how you did this last year and brainstorm on how you can make the coming year the best your relationship has ever had.

One of the assignments I give couples is to review the following Universal Love Laws to see how you are both performing. The goal is to fully understand each other to create the amazing relationship you both deserve. Remember this is NOT the time to be overly critical or a way to vent your anger and resentment over long-ago incidences. It’s crucial to approach this discussion as a positive and enlightening way to move forward together. It’s a time for both partners to be completely responsible for how you add or take away from the relationship. Finally, create an action plan on what you both commit to do and then DO IT!

Before you begin, you both must understand and agree upon three crucial concepts:

1. You can’t CHANGE what you don’t first ACKNOWLEDGE.
2. YOU are the only one you can change.
3. BOTH partners are responsible and accountable for your relationship.

THE LAW OF CONNECTION: Spouses are either growing closer or growing apart. You don’t get to stand still in relationships for very long. So we need to know two things: What does it take to feel connected to my partner? And what does it take for my partner to feel connected to me?

* Rate yourself 1-10 on how connected you currently feel with your partner. A high score means you feel very connected. A low score means the opposite. It is possible for one partner to feel very connected while the other partner does not.

If you or your partners score needs improving, then try this: Tell each other very specifically what you need your partner to do more of to feel connected. Give very clear examples of what you need them to do, how to act or what to say to feel more connected. Begin with “What would really make me feel more connected to you is……”

Examples: need more touching and holding (do you mean physical intimacy or holding hands, hugs, etc?), need more meaningful conversations with both of you sharing your thoughts, ideas and feelings and not just one partner doing the talking (how often?), need more sincere compliments and encouraging words (how many a day would make you happy?), need more dates without kids (how many times/month?), need to equally divide the household chores, etc. (create a chore list and divide it up).

THE LAW OF THE OTHER PERSON’S EYES: In a relationship, we don’t have to always agree with our partner, or even see things the exact same way. We do need to be able to step into the world of the other person and be able to see through their eyes. All partners want to feel understood. When they do, they can deal with whether you agree with them or not.

* Rate yourself 1-10 on how well you feel understood by your partner.

If you or your partners score needs improving, then try this: Make sure you use communication techniques that make your both feel understood and heard. After your partner says something meaningful, mirror back to them by saying something like: “Let me make sure I understand you. What I think I heard you say is…… Did I get that right?”

It’s OK to agree to disagree. Always approach a difference in showing open mindedness by saying something like “I can sure understand why you feel the way you do and I respect your decision. For me, I just view the issue differently.” Often times it’s appropriate to simply end the disagreement by saying “I respect you completely but on this topic let’s just agree to disagree and no hard feelings, OK?”

THE LAW OF NAGGING: I’ve rarely seen a situation where one person was being accused of nagging where the other person was not being irresponsible in some way. Nagging is no fun, for the nag-ee or for the nag-er. It takes two people working together to stop the pattern, one to be responsible, and then one to not nag.

* Rate your partner on how much you feel they nag you. A high score would be someone who nags a lot.
* Rate yourself on how much you feel you nag your partner.
* Compare your scores. Don’t be surprised if your scores differ quite a bit. People see things from their own point of view which may be very different than what you intended to portray.

If your partner rated you high on the nagging scale, then get a reality check that this is how you are coming across whether you intend to or not. Commit to be consciously aware when you go into the “nagging mode”, stop yourself, apologize and choose a different way to deal with the issue. You could come up with a funny “nag alert name” your partner could politely tease you with if you start into the nagging mode like “Nagging Nellie” or “Nagging Ned”.

If you rated your partner high on the nagging scale, ask yourself what behavior are YOU doing or not doing that prompts your partner to nag you? Is there a trend? Do they nag you over the same kinds of situations? Are you being irresponsible in some way? Analyze your behavior to see how it is contributing to their nagging. Ask them specifically what behavior change would need to occur to stop the nagging. Then commit to perform better in this area. You may be surprised at the welcome result.

THE LAW OF FUN: The couple that laughs and plays together has a much better chance of staying together.

* Rate your relationship (not your partner) 1-10 on how much fun you have together.
* If either of you scored your relationship low on the “fun scale”, brainstorm ideas on how to incorporate more playtime together.

Examples: Make a list of things you think are fun to do together (i.e. outdoor activities, seeing movies, playing tennis together, taking classes, snuggling by the fire, sharing jokes etc.) Choose what activities and how often would make you both feel satisfied and happy. Schedule some fun times on the calendar and follow through!

THE LAW OF MANNERS: It’s all too easy to begin taking each other for granted. It’s important to continue to treat each other well. So when you need to get by your partner, saying “excuse me” is still a whole lot better than “move.”

* Rate your partner 1-10 on how well mannered you feel they treat you.
* Rate yourself 1-10 on how well mannered you believe you are towards your partner.

If you or your partners score needs improving, then do this: Share with each other specific behavior you consider bad mannered. It doesn’t matter if you don’t view the particular behavior as poor manners. The point is, your partner does and it offends them. Commit to correct this behavior and always treat each other with respect and adoration. Never slack off on good manners. It’s the loving and the right thing to do.

The Law of THREE: When you marry someone, you don’t marry one person, you marry three. The person you think they are, the person they really are, and the person they will become as a result of marrying you.

This final exercise is to be done privately. Do not share your results with your partner or the action items you commit to do.

Ask yourself “What kind of person is my partner today?”

* Rate your partner 1-10 on the kind of human being and partner you believe they are. A high score meaning a wonderful person and partner, a low score meaning needs improvement.
* Consider your part in the outcome of the score you gave your partner. What are you doing to bring out their best qualities? What are you doing that is bringing out their worst qualities? Ponder this and write down 2 things you will start doing immediately to boost your partner’s best qualities and 2 things you will immediately stop doing that brings out their worst qualities.

True love means being committed to the growth of another human being. This final Love Law puts this important attitude into practice.

Great relationships take time, patience and on-going tending. Does it take effort? Absolutely. But I promise you…..the results will be priceless!

Concepts from Jeff Herring’s article 11 Universal Laws, adapted by Val Baldwin

SIX SECRETS TO STAYING IN LOVE

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Any relationship expert will tell you that the key to staying in love is being willing to work at it, which can make it sound like it’s no fun at all. But the “work” of a relationship shouldn’t be dull and something you hate to do. It should be the kind of fun “work” you put into anything you love like cooking, jogging, fixing cars or gardening. The challenge is finding the time to do that work.

I like to compare relationships to gardens. Think what a garden would look like in 2 years with no maintenance or upkeep. It would be a disaster! It’s the same with your relationship. It’s critical to put the time and effort along the way to keep it healthy and growing. Couples expect that they’ll get to a place where things are predictable and stable. But things will always change, and that’s what also makes the relationship exciting and alive.

So how much quality time do you and your partner need? It’s a tricky question, as almost everyone’s needs are different. One person always wants more time alone, while the other wants to spend more time together. It’s key that you honor each other’s needs and come to a compromise that will work for both of you. If each partner is willing to give a bit, and agree that you need some quiet time with each other each day, you’ve got a good start.

I know how fortunate I am to say that my husband and I have been married for over 25 years and the guy can still take my breath away. Has it always been easy? NO. Does it take continual effort? YES. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

To help you create your own formula for relationship success, here are 6 tried and true secrets for staying in love, including one favorite secret of my own.

1. Humor is Priceless. Val and Matt – married 25 years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Couples who laugh a lot together build up a “love reserve” of happy times that carry them through the rough times. When your partner does something irritating you find yourself saying “what the heck, I’m just going to let it go. It’s not worth it. He/she might be acting pretty lame right now but I know they’re really a good person.” You remember the funny remark you laughed at together earlier in the day and you can let the annoying things go much easier.

Advice to Other Couples: Create funny times together. To build that “love reserve” through humor, you need to consciously develop your sense of humor so you can look to the funny side of life when things get tough. Go see funny movies together, go to a comedy club, learn some jokes and learn to laugh at yourself. If you can recall those funny times together, it keeps a smile on your face and good thoughts about your partner.

2. Show and Tell. Greg and Aliza – married 2 ½ years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Aliza and her man find small but meaningful ways to stay connected, like giving each other foot rubs and taking a quiet walk each morning. “We hold hands in bed when we wake up and at night before falling asleep. Just that small gesture of connection really keeps us feeling close,” says Aliza.

Advice to Other Couples: Say, “I love you.” Aliza says you can never say this too much. “We were both in previous relationships where we never said ‘I love you’ to our partners. Now we can’t get enough or give enough of those three words,” she says.

3. Develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Kevin and Joy – married 9 years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Kevin and Joy make sure to kiss for 10 full seconds. “It’s amazing how this little tip has made our relationship closer,” says Kevin.

Advice to Other Couples: Let your spouse know that they’re appreciated. “When I take actions that say, ‘Thank you,’ it strengthens our romance,” says Kevin, explaining that small gifts like flowers or a surprise day at the spa make Joy feel his gratitude.

4. Adults Only Time. Katie and Eric – married 7 years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Not making it all about the kids. “We’re consumed and smitten with our two daughters, but we know that they will grow up and it will just be us two again,” says Katie, who says that having children has actually improved their sex life, as it makes their time alone together more precious.

Advice to Other Couples: Have a standing date night, and take vacations without the kids. ” Even if it’s just a long weekend together without children, it gives you the love boost to remember why you married that person in the first place.”

5. Hello E-Mail! Amanda and Justin – married 4 years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Because Justin is in his medical residency, Justin and Amanda have to deal with being apart for long stretches of time, even living in separate cities for a while. To bridge the gulf, they started e-mailing each other lists of all the times that they missed each other, that is, times when they’ve been apart and realized how much they longed to hear the other’s laugh, or see their smile. “We keep many of them now, and can reference them if we ever get into a big fight,” says Amanda.

Advice to Other Couples: Don’t be joined at the hip. “Too many couples get into this weird dynamic where they let their friends or interests they had pre-marriage simply disintegrate when they get married,” says Amanda, who says the ample time they each get with their friends keeps them fresh for each other.

6. How Do You Feel Loved? Diane and Aaron – married 25 years.

Our Secret to Staying in Love: Understanding what he/she needs to feel loved. “My husband prefers that we do activities together. Even if it’s just watching a movie, he prefers to watch it lying on the couch with his head in my lap. I express my love for my family by doing things for them — making dinner, folding their clothes unexpectedly,” says Dianne, who feels loved when her husband does these thing for her, too.

Advice to Other Couples: Study your partner, and see what he or she responds to. “A man who responds well to compliments will also visibly shrink from a harsh word, so he needs extra care when his spouse speaks to him,” says Dianne.

Of course, all couples must find their own “secret” and what works best for them. And that’s the fun of it. Marriages will always have their highs and lows times, but that’s what makes it an adventure. Invest the time, keep an open attitude, keep a sense of humor, look for win-win compromises and never forget what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place. Do this and you’ll be building a healthy foundation for staying in love forever..

RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

by Barbara Ellen Grant, adapted by Val Baldwin

First impressions are everything when a new partner comes into your life. There are some personality types with particular characteristics you should seriously consider avoiding.

It’s not all black and white. There could be partners who have more than one of these traits but could still turn out to be a great partner. There could also be partners who don’t have any of the traits and can be even worse. You should simply watch out for the types of people that take things to the extreme and make you miserable. A successful relationship is one where both partners understand, respect, care, appreciate and love each other. If you are unhappy more often than satisfied in your relationship, it’s better to give serious consideration about moving on before it’s too late.

Here are a few warning signs that indicate trouble in the future.

1. Out of a longterm serious relationship less than one year.
Could indicate potential unresolved baggage. This is the number one complaint with singles. Again and again singles say they are available when in reality they are consumed with something or someone.

2. “Temporary living conditions” seem more long term.
If they refer to their home as transitional but doesn’t seem to be leaving any time soon, they could have potential commitment issues. They may also be the type of person who “plans” on doing all kinds of things with their home, their work, their life�but never gets around to actually doing any of those things. This is the type of person that you see 10 years later and nothing has changed. A good talker but not a good doer. Not great marriage potential.

3. Divorced less than a year but “over it”.
Can you say denial? Really, go back to point #1. Lots of singles think they are available and ready to move forward when in reality they are not emotionally ready. They move right into another relationship and they find themselves conflicted and not able to give what they should to the new relationship. Divorce takes time to truly get over. If it’s been less than a year, then the person is fooling themselves when they say they are ready. Proceed with caution in this scenario.

4. Not very reachable by phone.
With today’s technology, it’s very unusual to not be available by phone. You have to ask yourself what they might be hiding. Are they married or a possible control freak? Do they really work where they told you? As unfortunate as it may be� there are wackos out there that mislead and hide pertinent information for a variety of reasons. None of these reasons are good. Honesty and integrity is everything for a successful relationship.

5. Says they’re in love with you within the first two weeks.
It’s fun to be swept off your feet by a romantic partner who claims their undying love for you quickly. However, most singles have learned that being swept off their feet is dangerous to the heart – the relationship usually does not survive past the initial rush. Things that burn that hot, burn out just as fast. It’s best to grow slowly, lightly into a relationship.

6. Financially secure, over 30 and living with his mom.
Can you say momma’s boy? Typically these types of men have their moms help them out with almost everything. His mom is the best person and the perfect woman in the whole world. Having such a partner will bring up one problem, you will never live up to his mother and although he will love and cherish you forever, he will take his mother’s side every time. Time and again he will keep comparing you to his mom, no matter what you do.

THE FEMALE VERSION OR MOTHER GOOSE SYNDROME
is the woman who is constantly fixing your hair and tucking in your shirt. Although she may have good intentions and be great in many others ways, her motherly instincts will eventually be too much to tolerate. You may try to get her to ease up, but if she still cannot resist the urge to stop caring about the tiniest of details, you need to consider if you really want two moms in your life permanently.

7. They prefer spending all their time at the gym
And talks about their workouts most of the time. They have a lifetime membership at the gym. He has all the latest gadgets and home entertainment systems. Most probably, in such a relationship, you will never see him as he is always down at the gym. He will spend more time in the bathroom then you do.

8. A workaholic and their only “true love” is their work.
They are going places, but will they be taking you with them? They are always smartly dressed, has great taste in d�cor and eats at the finest restaurants. However, their work will always come first. Maybe you have to make an appointment to see them. They will take you to elegant dinner parties then leave you with strangers while they talk shop.

9. They insist you spend every waking moment with them.
They refuse to let you go out for yourself or spend any significant amount of time with anyone else. Any kind of explanation of yours needing to spend time with friends and family will only bring up an argument in which you will have to prove your love for them 100 times. Remember, if you can’t have a little independence in your relationship, it’s never going to last.

10. They have to be the center of everyone’s attention.
No matter where you are or who you are, this partner just begs to be in the spotlight. In order to get attention, they may talk nonstop or maybe too loud, use wild gestures, tell unbelievable stories or tell lame or distasteful jokes or a woman might wear provocative outfits. Will you be able to handle such a stage hog?

Self-Test: Is There Enough Love and Respect in Your Relationship?

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

John Gottman, Ph.D. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Answer yes or no to each of the following statements, depending on whether you mostly agree or disagree.

1. My partner seeks out my opinions. Yes No

2. My partner cares about my feelings. Yes No

3. I don’t feel ignored very often. Yes No

4. We touch each other a lot. Yes No

5. We listen to each other. Yes No

6. We respect each other’s ideas. Yes No

7. We are affectionate towards one another. Yes No

8. I feel that my partner takes good care of me. Yes No

9. What I say counts. Yes No

10. I am important in our decisions. Yes No

11. There’s lots of love in our relationship. Yes No

12. We are genuinely interested in one another. Yes No

13. I just love spending time with my partner. Yes No

14. We are very good friends. Yes No

15. Even during rough times, we can be empathetic. Yes No

16. My partner is considerate of my viewpoint. Yes No

17. My partner finds me physically attractive. Yes No

18. My partner expresses warmth towards me. Yes No

19. I feel included in my partner’s life. Yes No

20. My partner admires me. Yes No

Scoring: If you checked “yes” to fewer than 7 items, then it is likely you are not feeling adequately loved and respected in your relationship. You need to be far more active and creative in adding affection to your relationship.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?
Quiz for Couples

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

John Gottman, Ph.D. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

One of the most important features of successful couple relationships is the quality of the friendship. Do you know your partner’s inner thoughts and dreams? Take the quiz below and find out.

1. I can name my partner’s best friends.
Yes No

2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
Yes No

3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
Yes No

4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams
Yes No

5. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life
Yes No

6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least
Yes No

7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
Yes No

8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner
Yes No

9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately
Yes No

10. My partner really respects me
Yes No

11. There is fire and passion in this relationship
Yes No

12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship
Yes No

13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship
Yes No

14. My partner generally likes my personality
Yes No

15. Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
Yes No

16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me
Yes No

17. My partner is one of my best friends
Yes No

18. We just love talking to each other
Yes No

19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions
Yes No

20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree
Yes No

21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.
Yes No

22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life
Yes No

YOUR SCORE ______ (amount of Yes answers)

15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship. Congrats!

8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention.

7 or fewer yes answers: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. If this concerns you, you probably still value the relationship enough to try to get help.

In a survey of 200 couples, Couples Therapist Dr. John Gottman found that the best predictor of passion and romance in a relationship was…you guessed it…the quality of the friendship! Start working on yours today!

SOLVING COUPLE CONFLICT
10 Steps to a Successful Outcome

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

Everybody experiences conflict with the ones they love. Let’s face it, if you have a pulse…you’re going to disagree at times. And that’s really OK. What most people don’t realize is that it’s not usually the conflict itself that tears people apart, but how you resolve it and the feelings you have towards each other AFTER the conflict that really has the biggest effect on your relationship. As a professional speaker, trainer and Life Success Coach, not only have I seen what a poisonous effect unresolved conflict can have in couples lives but I’ve witnessed the counter-productive effect it has in corporations and organizations as well. These same valuable couple conflict tools can be used in all areas of your life to produce a happier, less stressed out, more fulfilled you.

Let me first share with you two critical concepts you must put into practice if you want those difficult discussions to end in a positive manner. One proven secret to resolving conflict peacefully is how you approach your startup. Research finds that discussions invariably end on the same note they began. If you start an argument harshly – meaning you attack your partner verbally – you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup such as: you maturely voice your complaint about a specific behavior you wish were different instead of attacking your partner’s character or personality, you are polite by saying “please” and “I would appreciate”, you are crystal clear on what is actually bothering you, you verbalize your appreciation for times when things were handled better and you speak showing respect – the discussion is likely to be more productive. So remember, if you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw blood and get nowhere. If you start softly, you are more likely to resolve the conflict and have a happier and healthier relationship.

The second critical concept for coping effectively with conflict is communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats or completes chores around the house, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding of their point of view. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your relationship. Put these two key concepts into daily practice when those sensitive subjects come up and I promise they will go much smoother.

When you’ve decided the conflict has gone on long enough and it’s time to work things out, this 10-step plan from my training with Life Innovations, Inc is an amazing tool. Use it faithfully and I will guarantee a positive outcome for you both.

1. Set a time and place for discussion. Allow at least 30 minutes. Plan a time when you are free of distractions and interruptions. No kids, no TV, just the two of you. Some positive suggestions for your couples meeting could be at a restaurant for dinner, relaxing in front of the fire at home or go to bed and hour early to discuss your issues while you are all cozy and curled up in bed. Take the time to write your answers down so you are both clear and there is no misunderstanding.

2. Select one important issue you would like to resolve. Write down the specific issue or problem for discussion. You may be surprised to find that your partner has a different view of what the actual issue is.

3. How do you each contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things you each do that have not helped to resolve the problem.

4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful. As humans we try the same approach over and over thinking our partner will finally “get it” this next time. Stop it! We end up beating our heads against a wall. Past attempts haven’t worked so try something brand new.

5. Brainstorm. List all possible solutions. Pool your new ideas and try to come up with five possible solutions to the problem. Do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point. There are no dumb ideas. Think outside the box.

6. Discuss and evaluate these possible solutions. Be as objective as you can. Talk about how useful and appropriate each suggestion might be for resolving your issues.

7. After you have both expressed your feelings, select one solution that you both agree to try. Put it in writing and post your trial solution with a detailed description so you both can be reminded daily.

8. Agree on how each individual will work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible and write down each of your detailed responsibilities to solve the issue. To simply commit to “trying harder” is not good enough.

9. Set up another meeting. Set a place, date and time within the next week for another meeting to discuss your progress.

10. Reward each other as you each contribute toward the solution. Pay attention to each other as the week passes. If you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution, praise his/her effort.

FUTURE WEEKLY MEETINGS: At your next weekly meeting, if you have not improved, go through steps 5-8 and try a different solution. If you have shown improvement, use this exercise to overcome other problems. Make couple meetings a regular part of your weekly schedule. They can really make a positive difference!

Always remember that the key to resolving conflict is to show respect, understanding and a commitment to finding win-win solutions for you both. A happy, healthy partnership is all about cooperation and compromise. It’s not a competition. Follow these highly effective steps and you won’t ever have to be afraid to discuss those “tough topics” again.

© Copyright, 2005, Val Baldwin, www.valbaldwin.com

Relationship Readiness Quiz for Singles

Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
www.valbaldwin.com

To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, rate yourself in each of the following 10 areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself. We recommend asking close friends and family for their opinions as well.

Rating scale: Rate each item on a scale from 0-10

8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next
relationship

5-7: OK; this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next
relationship

0-4: Needs Work; this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

1. I know what I want. I have a clear vision for my life and relationship. I can envision my ideal life in detail that feels strong, very real and keeps me motivated. Rating _____

2. I know my requirements. I have a written list of approximately 10 non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me. Rating _____

3. I am happy and successful being single. I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my own company. I am living the life that I want, and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need. Rating _____

4. I am ready and available for commitment. I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship. Rating _____

5. I am satisfied with my work/career. My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and does not interfere with my availability for a new relationship. Rating _____

6. I am healthy in mind, body and spirit. My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good. Rating _____

7. My financial and legal business is handled. I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. Rating _____

8. My family relationships are functional. My relationships with my children, ex, siblings, parents, and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. Rating _____

9. I have effective dating skills. I initiate contact with people I want to meet, and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries, and balance my heart with my head with potential partners. Rating _____

10. I have effective relationship skills. I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate honestly and assertively, negotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable and can give and receive love without emotional barriers. Rating _____

Add up your 10 ratings to arrive at your total score. Read below to see how ready you are for a committed relationship.

80-100: GREEN LIGHT: You are well on your way to the life and relationship
you really want.

50-79: YELLOW LIGHT: Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow
in relationships while doing so.

0-49: RED LIGHT: Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and
prepare for the relationship that you want.

Original material copyrighted by Relationship Coaching Institute, adapted by Val Baldwin.